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Marriage and the Husband-Wife Relationship – Why do I always make up after a fight Expert: Samantha – 6/23/2007

Question Hello Dr Kessler:

I am looking for a suggestion as I have no one else I can ask. My family lives in India and I came to Canada to be with my husband 7 years ago.

From the beginning we have had some minor problems in our marriage, I am sure everyone does. We are both very strong personalities and have a lot of pride. Latelt though I have tried to be more compassionate and understand that having an ego will ruin our marriage.

Recently my husband and I fighthing almost every week. They are minor issues and when I know I am wrong I will go up to him, apologize and try to make up. We don’t have any children. When we fight we pick rooms and stay locked up in there till I go to him to make up.

However, now when we fight I always seem to be the one who wants to patch things up even if I feel it is his fault. I do this after being alone for a few days and feeling depressed. I long to hear his voice and miss his company so I back down and apologize. My problem is past few times when I go to his room to ask if we can spend time together and forget about what’s happened he becomes very rude and puts me down! He ridicules me, I feel. He talks to me like I am his enemy and he disciplines me like a father. He will tell me things like “get out of my face”, “leave me alone” “get out of my room” “I am messed up and he doesn’t want to talk now”. I leave and later in the day I go back and at that time he will get o.k. with me.

I don’t know if this is right! Why do I need to keep asking for his forgiveness (even when sometimes, it is not my fault) Do I miss him more than me misses me? I feel so small and humiliated.

In the past there were times when he would come up to me and make up. When he did so I would forgive him instantly and be with him. That’s what you are supposed to do when someone says sorry, right?

I feel very sad and not loved and I am looking for someone to tell me if this is normal?

Please help me! Thank you.

Answer Hi Shanna~

You go to him and make up with him by telling him you’re sorry, etc b/c you want to be love and accepted by him. It’s normal for a husband/wife to want their spouse to be accepting of him/her. After all it’s the need to feel loved, appreciated, respected, etc. It’s human nature.

When you fight he has come to expect this from you (that after a few days you’ll come running to him practically begging for his forgiveness), and for you to do this every time is unreasonable, almost to the point where it’s ridiculous (sorry, not trying to be rude here, just honest). So, of course, he’s going to continue to treat you like crap b/c he knows he can and that you’ll tolerate his unacceptable and childish behavior.

You don’t need this crap from him. If he truly loved and respected you he wouldn’t do this to you. He would love you and try to work things out with you. But instead he conveniently blames things on you. His actions do speak louder than words.

See, a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here for you is when is your breaking point? How much more of this are you willing to put up with before you finally say no more. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.

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