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It’s a rare week when our postman in Seattle does not deliver a wedding invitation to our door. Because we work with so many engaged couples through our teaching, seminars, and counseling, we get invited to more weddings than we can ever attend. And the ones we do attend always remind us how glorious the beginning of lifelong love is. We stand up with this individual and make a declaration in front of friends and family concerning the convincing nature of our love and how it will endure a lifetime. We vow right then and there to dedicate the rest of our lives to the pursuit, discovery, testing, enjoying, and continual renewal of this love. We are so convinced of the enduring quality of this good love that we stake our very lives on it. We vow to love “until death do us part.”

Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s when honest couples discover that love, no matter how good, is never enough.

For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

Rainer Marie Rilke

Let’s make this clear: We all entered marriage confident our union would not simply survive but thrive. Our confidence was built and bolstered by our love. But here’s the kicker: One cannot completely guard one’s love against the things that diminish it (not even Sheldon and Davy could do that). What’s more, love in itself is seldom sturdy enough to support a couple when they inevitably run into bad things. In fact, the loss of love is given as a major reason for marital dissolution. Love, while being a good catalyst for marriage, cannot sustain it alone.

We have counseled countless couples who cling to the sentimental romantic notion of love expressed in songs, movies, and novels. It is a notion that leads most of us into a destructive marital myth that says, Everything good in this relationship should get better in time. But the truth is, not everything gets better. Many things improve because of marriage, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage, for example, requires necessary losses. For starters, marriage means coming to terms with new limits on one’s independence. It means giving up a carefree lifestyle. Even to people who have dreamed for years about getting married and who think of themselves as hating to be alone, marriage still cannot help but come as an invasion of privacy and independence. No one has ever been married without being surprised at the sheer intensity of this invasion. And so, for many, they run into their first real challenge to love. But it will not be their last.

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life — to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain.

George Eliot

Like two weary soldiers taking cover in a bunker, every couple is bewildered by constant assaults to their love life. Marriage is continually bombarded by unpredictable instances that interfere with being the kind of lovers we want to be. We are torn apart by busy schedules, by words we wish we could take back, and in short, by not giving all that love demands.

“Love asks for everything,” writes Mike Mason. “Not just for a little bit, or a whole lot, but for everything.” And how hard it is to give everything! Indeed, it is impossible. We can establish a Shining Barrier or make a symbolic gesture of giving all, even declare it quite dramatically at a wedding ceremony, but that is just a start, a mere message of intention. It is only when we move beyond the “moon of honey,” as the French put it, that our love is truly tested. And no one, no matter how loving, can stand up to the test of not only giving everything one owns but everything one is. Be certain of this: You and your spouse will fail at love. Why? Because no mere mortal can ever live by romantic love alone.

Husbands and wives get hurt in love. Bad things happen. Nevertheless, for the couple who is able to accept that not everything good gets better in marriage and who matures together in love, there is a great surprise in store: their marriage, though bandied about by a myriad of bad things, can remain good, or at the very least get good once more.

What Makes a Marriage Good?

Passion, though a bad regulator, is a powerful spring.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ask most people this question and you’ll undoubtedly hear something about love. But ask those who have given it serious thought, who have dedicated themselves to study and research of the topic, and you’ll hear a different answer. Better yet, ask this question of couples who have a good marriage in spite of everything they’ve encountered, and you’ll hear the answer that matters most. That’s what we did, and it became the reason for writing this book. Here’s what they told us: A good marriage is built by two people’s capacity to adjust to negative things. In survey after survey, when we asked couples to crystallize their thoughts on what makes a marriage successful, that was their answer. And when we pushed them to flesh out that answer, we learned the secrets these smart couples hold.

A good marriage is made up of . . . two people who take ownership for the good as well as the bad. They are a responsible couple.

A good marriage is made up of . . . two people believing good wins over bad. They are a hopeful couple.

A good marriage is made up of . . . two people walking in each other’s shoes. They are an empathic couple.

A good marriage is made up of . . . two people healing the hurts they don’t deserve. They are a forgiving couple.

A good marriage is made up of . . . two people living the love they promise. They are a committed couple.

Exercise 2: Exploring Your Marital Armament

If you are like most couples, it may help to measure where you and your partner stand on each of these five traits of a good marriage. Are you more optimistic than your partner, for example, while your partner is more forgiving than you are? This exercise in your workbooks gives you an opportunity to assess each of these important qualities in yourselves.

From all that we can gather, these five qualities are the armament used to protect good couples from destruction: ownership, hope, forgiveness, empathy, and commitment. And it is these five qualities that we devote later parts of this book to, giving you practical ways to cultivate them in your own marriage. Before we get there, however, there is an important question that needs consideration. It is one that lingers in the mind of every couple whose love has bumped into negative things. And how you answer it will determine how well you learn to protect the love you cherish. Why do problems occur in good marriages? We explore possible answers in the next chapter.

For Reflection

1. As you consider the beginning of your marriage, do you recall a time when you felt “enveloped” by love? How do you describe such an experience, and how likely is it in later passages of marriage?

2. Do you identify with Sheldon and Davy Vanauken in their pursuit to protect their love from harm with a “Shining Barrier”? What have you done, in concrete terms, to guard your love for each other?

3. What do you make of this idea that to survive bad things, a good marriage needs more than love? Do you agree? If so, why? If not, how do you support your position?

4. As you begin this study of good marriages bumping into bad things, what hopes and fears do you carry with you?

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.

Robert Browning

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2006 Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Tags: Christian Relationships

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About the Author

Dr. Les Parrott is a master communicator, having impacted people from all walks of life including executives, international government officials, professional athletes and college students. His charisma, humor and practical advice have placed him in high demand as a conference and seminar speaker. He has spoken internationally to a variety of groups including corporations such as Johnson & Johnson, Price Waterhouse, the armed services, and associations of professional athletes. His breakneck schedule takes him across North America and around the world. More

Dr. Leslie Parrott is a marriage and family therapist and codirector with her husband, Dr. Les Parrott, of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. She is the author of God Made You Nose to Toes, and coauthor with her husband of several bestselling books, including The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring, Relationships, Love Talk, and the Gold Medallion Award-winner, Saving Your Marriage before It Starts. Leslie is a columnist for Today’s Christian Woman and has been featured on Oprah, CBS Morning, CNN, and The View, and in USA Today and he New York Times. The Parrotts’ radio program, Love Talk, is carried by stations throughout North America. Leslie lives in Seattle with her husband and their two sons. More

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